Today I’m mad. Mad that Eddie chose to kill himself. He chose to leave us. To leave the boys without their father and me without my husband. How could he do this? Why would he do this? I’ll never really know, but I keep replaying that last week wondering what I missed. Torturing myself with the “what if’s” that my therapist tells me to stop. I know I can’t change it, but I wish there were answers. Maybe they wouldn’t even help. I don’t know. Maybe they would make it easier to move forward. I don’t know. I do know that none of this was my choice and I didn’t have a say in this huge thing that changed my life and for that I’m mad. I constantly have a pit in my stomach and am on the verge of tears for most of the day. Sure I can go about most things each day when I have to, but that empty feeling doesn’t completely go away. Some days it’s a little less or comes and goes. I know, well I hope, that eventually it stays away for long enough for me to feel good.
Loss and Lashes 
❤❤
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Let me start by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry that every conceivable decision about YOUR life, YOUR children’ lives, YOUR future, YOUR finances, YOUR wellbeing, YOUR marriage was held in the cards so very close to the vest of the one who deceived YOU. YOU deserve every second YOU need to be angry.
I am also sorry that your courage to share these feelings of anger and raw open wounds vindicates my own.
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It seems to me that anger is a totally understandable and even expected part of processing such a huge loss . Wish no one had to go through what you are ; especially you ❤️
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Anger is one of the many stages in grief. We all process each stage differently and need to allow ourselves to feel and grieve as we each need. No right or wrong with how we feel ever ❤️
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Unfortunately those questions of “what did I miss?” What could I have done differently to prevent this?” Linger. And it’s ok. It’s all part of it. I know it’s not the same to lose your dad to suicide as opposed to your husband, but I am here if you need to talk any of it out with someone who gets all this complicated grief process. Sending love,
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