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Since Eddie died, in addition to my already very packed plate…and don’t forget grieving…I’ve taken on a lot of new roles. Some of my “favorites” are small business owner and landlord.

The question that keeps coming up in my head are: Am I enough? Can I do this?

These were Eddie’s things. He always had them handled and I never questioned any of them. He had a business mind and just knew what to do. He’s the one I wish I could ask for guidance on things now and the only one I can’t.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been thrown into these new rolls and I am struggling. Mostly because I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to let him down. He worked his entire life to build his business from the ground up. He cut ends to be able to purchase a couple apartments, for income property. Throughout the years, he made so many sacrifices to get where he was. I can’t lose what he worked so hard to get. I won’t… for him.

So I’m busting my butt. I’m learning more things about the business than I have ever known. I’m talking to people and figuring out how to be a landlord and what my options are. I’m learning to lean on people and ask for help when I need it. Both of these things are so incredibly out of my comfort zone, but I can’t do it alone.

I have days when I am overwhelmed and cry, wondering how I’m going to balance it all and keep it going. Then I have other days, when things crash down around me and I need all the help I can get, to pick them up and keep going. Once in a while, there’s a day where it’s all working out for a few minutes and those are the times that I think, maybe I can do this.

Someday, the decisions that I question and ask “What would Eddie do about this?” will be less. My responses will be more automatic and decisive. I’ll be more confident. I’ll get there and I’ll be more badass because of it. I’m just not there…yet.