It got to the point that I couldn’t walk by the spare room anymore without getting upset. Since he died, I had been throwing his stuff in the spare room. That room was a constant reminder of the life I was no longer living. I knew it was time. Time to make room for healing and my new life. Time to move forward.

We donated a lot and saved a few special things for the boys. Anything that was a favorite of Eddie’s and a frequently worn thing, I threw out. Before you roll your eyes and think that someone else’s could have worn it, keep that opinion to yourself. I didn’t want to think of, or actually see anyone else wearing something that was Eddie’s thing. So his madras shorts, that one year he and the boys had matching pairs and some shirts that he wore on repeat, went in the trash bag and I don’t regret it. Not one bit. They were his and no one else should ever wear them.

I found myself saying “I shouldn’t have to do this”, “this isn’t fair” over and over that day. My sweet friends always listened, helped to fill bags and said “no, you shouldn’t” and “no it’s not”. They held their shit together for me that day and I know it wasn’t easy for them either, but they did exactly what I needed them to do.

Cleaning it out was hard, but all the more reason to do it. Sometimes moving forward is like swimming against the current, but you know that to get anywhere, you have to do it. There is no easy button.

There’s still work to do in the spare room and pieces to be ordered, but it’s come a long way. Its very close to becoming my room…with the promise of brighter days to come.