We know that our perspective influences the way that we view any situation. We know that when we are in a bad mood, everything around us looks crappy… no matter how wonderful it can possibly be. We also know, that we have choices of how we interpret and move forward from any situation.

So, in a situation we are given two choices. If you truly want it to be a positive one, you have to surround yourself with those positive thoughts. I know it sounds corny… I totally get it.

I know that what happened to me was beyond shitty. Reminding myself about that every single day, doesn’t serve me. It just opens a rabbit hole of negative thoughts and emotions…ones that strip me of the energy I have and suck any joy away.

We know the obvious choice here, but it’s hard work. For me, it’s way easier to be negative. It’s easy to pull people in too. Think about it… you feed off of each other and that negative thought…misery loves company. What does that do though?
Nothing. Just puts you in a crappier mood.
It’s important to choose any ounce of positivity when you can. We know that your mind is fully equipped to tell you how shitty something is if you want it to.

My therapist has given me a lot of strategies to use when this happens. One of my favorites, is to take a breath and say one good thing happening right now, in that very moment. This immediately grounds me.

Sometimes it helps me to be reminded that even though there are times when life sucks… It’s pretty fucking awesome too.

After two separate psychics telling me the same things…and of course the countless hours of therapy… I’ve accepted the fact that Eddie’s death had nothing to do with me and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Honestly, I was never one to truly believe in psychics, but in the past 7 months I’ve found myself doing things I never thought I’d do. So go see a psychic? Why the hell not? Go see a second because I’m still skeptical? Well, of course!

So glad I did… a huge weight had been lifted. I had stopped running it over and over in my head wondering, “what if”. For the first time, I was at peace with the fact that I had no role in it. HE made the choice not to get help. HE chose that path. HE took his life.

The brick on my chest, making it impossible to take a deep breath was finally gone. I really was going to be okay.

On Friday, we had Eddie’s internment. It was months worth of anticipation and anxiety. I questioned why I waited so long. The boys and I needed the complete closure and had for quite some time. Luckily, with family, friends and a little Xanax…the build up was much worse than the event itself.

On Thursday night, the sky was gorgeous. It looked very much like it did the night of our anniversary a month after he died. I took it as a sign. A sign that it was okay… he was still there and always would be.

The weather was gorgeous on Friday, perfect even… if there is such a thing for days like that. Everything about Friday just flowed. Surprisingly, my type A personality allowed me to let it put itself together, to rely on others to help and to let go of the control. I knew it would all work out and it did.

The ceremony was exactly what Eddie would have wanted… short, no frills and to the point. It was incredibly meaningful and with so many people who he loved. It was perfect.

As I sat there, in my assigned chair…odd colored for the widow…I thought about how much stronger I had become. I was sitting there, living the unimaginable and still going. I had become a new version of myself, capable of anything… but most importantly of living my life, moving forward and being happy.

My life was never going to be the same, but it didn’t mean it wouldn’t be great… just different… and every time I need that reminder that everything will be okay, he’ll make sure I get it.

This morning, a grief storm knocked me on my ass. It caught me totally off guard, much like the thunder and lightening last night. It came in with a blinding boom and shook me.

The Fire Department was responding to an accident across from the school parking lot. He should have been there. He shouldn’t be dead. I shouldn’t have to do this. He would never be responding to accidents or fires again. I’d never run into him by chance again. He was gone.

It all came at me and there was nothing I could do. I tried to hold it together, but with each step I took, it was harder to breathe. As I walked into school, I had to tell myself I could do this and remind myself to take deep breaths. I had a few minutes until the kids would see me and had to pull my shit together. I rushed to my support (love you) to talk me down and as soon as I saw her I lost it. After a few hard minutes, the storm was over.

This storm, came out of nowhere and like the thunder and lightening last night, some people didn’t even notice it. There was nothing I could do to prepare for it and it was hard to recover, but I did…with my support system and all the love that I have in my life. I didn’t choose what happened, but I can choose how I react and recover.

Even after the short bought of explosive thunder and fiery lightening last night… the sun was out this morning. The storms are temporary.

As much as the storms suck, there’s no way to predict or prevent them. I’m choosing to focus today on all of the sunshine I have instead.

Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet…again… because I have my dream closet being installed this week. My closet has always been my favorite room of the house, my happy place. I have memories from my closet in the old apartment, hanging out with friends, having wine, playing with outfits and laughing…just having fun. Don’t judge, we all have our things! Crazy how light our lives all used to be.

Throughout the years and all of life’s changes, it’s still a room that is all about me and the things I love, that make me happy. When I’m in there, it’s all about me.

I don’t have control over pretty much every other aspect of my life right now, but I can control everything in that room. So I was purging, yet again.

When I came to a few tops, all I could think of, was wearing them the week after Eddie died. Looking at them brought back the events of those days. The surreal fact that he was gone… the shock…the tears…the looks on everyone’s faces when they came to see me…the pain. I couldn’t look at them anymore and go back to all of those feelings each time I saw them. They had to go.

While memories like that are significant, the important thing is to move forward…going backwards isn’t an option. I gave myself time to accept them, feel them, “lock them away” (as my therapist calls it) and keep going.

I realized that I have to let go of the hurt, to make room for more happy memories (and some new outfits)…which is exactly what I’m doing.

My therapist explained to me that when someone dies, we have 4 Tasks that we have to work through.

1. Accept the loss

2. Acknowledge the pain

3. Adjust to a new environment and reinvest in the reality of a new life

4. Find an enduring connection to the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life

As I think about where I am on this list, because I do love myself a good checklist…I am on the final task.

I think of things that didn’t work out the way I wanted, a couple months before Eddie died. Now I think of how lucky I am that they didn’t because I couldn’t have dealt with them right now. It wasn’t the right time for them before.

Nothing in our lives happens by chance…there is a reason for it all, even when we can’t see it at the moment.

He’ll always be a part of my life. I trust that somehow he’s protecting me and will always help me to see what I’m supposed to, as I keep moving forward.

This week didn’t suck. It was the first whole week, minus a few steps back on Saint Patrick’s Day, that was okay. Instead of falling in the ditch and needing to crawl out that day though, I just teetered and kept moving.

For me this is huge.

It was just the reminder that I needed, that eventually, everything will be okay. My life will be entirely different, in every single aspect…but it’ll be okay.

As spring begins, it makes me think of how another season was starting without Eddie. They would all be without him. Life keeps going, whether we are ready for it to or not.

In a way, the darkness of winter and covid were “good” for me. They made me slow down and really mourn. They made me reevaluate my life and what I want for the boys and I, as we keep going. Most importantly though, they made me just be. I was able to keep to myself when I wanted and not feel guilty because it was a nice day outside. I could stay in bed a little later because it was still dark out. I didn’t have to make up reasons to not see people if I didn’t feel up to it because no one was doing anything anyways. I wasn’t busy running to a million activities because nothing was happening.

I was able to give the boys and I all of my time and energy, rebuilding our life and putting the pieces back together.

As the weather slowly warms up and the days are getting longer, I’m feeling more energy and more optimism for what’s to come. Whatever it is, I’m ready for it and know it’ll be okay.

Well, I finally did it. After a few weeks of me changing little things I wanted in the new car, I made up my mind. I wasn’t about to settle. The dealer found the last one in the northeast with everything on my list.

It wasn’t all rainbows this week though… I couldn’t find my title on Thursday night, which I didn’t even realize I needed. I know that sounds silly, but I’ve never done this by myself so I didn’t even think about it. After almost having a nervous breakdown and my dad about to click submit on the DMV site, getting a new title for Saturday, my mom found it between papers. Thank God.

Today as I was on my way to get the car, I got a call from the dealer that my registration expired yesterday. I’m always on top of things, but nothing had been sent to me and it slipped my mind. There was nothing they could do except give me new plates. One more change…I was losing the plates I had since I bought my first car. Somehow it was okay though, it was a fresh start.

I wasn’t sure how it would be to drive the jeep for the last time, but I was better than I thought I’d be. I was ready.

For a moment, I questioned the change… but that was short lived. They brought me back to the maintenance area to see my car. It was being detailed, but they let me sit in it and check it out. When it was turned on for the first time, Tom Petty’s “Won’t Back Down” played. It was Eddie’s song. He was reminding me that I got this and giving me that push I needed to move forward.

Last year March 13th was the last day schools were open and everything changed in the world and my personal life. This year March 13th signifies a fresh start… something amazing and new for me.

The other day I went up to the camp. I hadn’t been there since September.

The snow made it look so different. I know it was because the lake is frozen and the ground is covered in snow, but it didn’t seem inviting. It was quiet and lonely. The name of the lake suited it well.

The walk down the hill seemed longer than usual. When we got down to the “house” I didn’t want to be the first to go in. It was like a time capsule. Everything was as we left it at the end of the summer…right up to the half drank can of Coors Light on the ledge of the ceiling Eddie had ripped out.

The camp was full of family memories and reminders of summers to come. Sleeping bags packed up, floats and boat stuff stacked and construction plans on the counter. It was hard to see.

We looked at what had to be done to get to where I eventually want it…made our list and hiked back up. That was enough for the first time back. It stung. I should have expected it, but didn’t. It was one more “first” in my book.

I know when the snow and lake thaw and the days are warmer, I’ll be back again… with the boys, family and friends. There will be new memories to make and different things to smile and laugh about.

They may not be the summers at the camp I had planned, but it doesn’t mean they won’t still be amazing.

It’s crazy to think I’ve driven the jeep all this time. After Eddie died, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get back in it and was all ready to sell it, but couldn’t handle one more change.

A couple weeks after he died and it was all detailed, it felt safe…like he was still with me in a sense, protecting me.

The fact that I wanted a three row for years didn’t bother me. I was used to the jeep and I had control over this change. It was my choice when I got a new car.

For the past few week though, the radio has been jumping station to station and I think it’s finally time. I’m ready for the change.

Yesterday, I went to the VW dealer and checked out the Atlas. I have no idea about cars. I just want something that looks good and is safe. As I looked around the dealer, I had to take a breath. I was the only single female there. It was a little intimidating and overwhelming, but I thought of all I’ve done and knew this would be nothing compared to everything else.

I was right. I asked questions. I got numbers. I took pictures. I got the print outs so that my dad could look at them. I had this under control.

Today I made an appointment to buy the car. I don’t need the jeep to feel protected by him. In everything I do, he’s helping guide me to the path I’m supposed to take. He’s doing what he said he always will… protecting me.

Any change is always hard…even the good ones, but this is one I’ve made and that makes it easier.