Whatever you are struggling with today… take the bull by the horns

I love these pictures of the demolition derby for so many reasons. First off, Eddie was the strongest guy I know and he overcame so many obstacles throughout his life. He was truly a fighter and through his beliefs and hard work, succeeded in everything he set out to do.

There was no coincidence that his favorite artist was Tom Petty and he loved the song “Won’t Back Down”. It suited him perfectly. He fought for everything he believed in and he never backed down… no matter what.

Eddie instilled that belief onto the boys…especially Max. They know to respect everyone, but to defend themselves and to stand up for what’s right. He always told Max that it didn’t matter what other people thought, if it was the right thing…you do it. Through the years, Eddie often stood up for people that he saw being treated unfairly. No matter what the consequences could be, Eddie stood his ground for what he believed…always.

The demolition derby and that car and what it stood for, were some of Eddie’s favorite things he did. They had a huge significance in his life. In a way, they even defined him. No matter how many times that car stalled or caught on fire, he didn’t give up. He kept fighting. When it was all over, he had a huge smile…he did it. He succeeded with what he went out to do. It was the perfect culmination of a battle for freedom, that Eddie had won.

Eddie taught the boys two of the most valuable life lessons there are…stand up for what you believe and never give up. Those lessons will live on forever in the boys, through his memories.

It’s already been established that I didn’t choose this and this whole situation is awful and unfair. At what point though, will I find the balance?

We read all about how we are supposed to “take care of ourselves” and “find time to relax”. Great advice. Now when exactly am I supposed to have this time? I already sleep way less than is recommend. I’m already multitasking the hell, out of every minute, of everyday. There’s no relaxing. I get up super early to have time for myself in the morning and I’m greeted by a 4 year old who wakes up as soon as he hears me, dogs barking and a cat meowing nonstop.

Everyone needs me all of the time and it’s exhausting. It was a lot when Eddie was alive, but without him there is no “tapping out”. I am severely outnumbered with two kids, two dogs and a cat. The help I receive from family and friends is amazing, but everyone seems to just want me. At the end of the day, everyone being taken care of and everything being done, relies on me and me alone. There is no safety net anymore.

Today when I was “taking time for myself” and working out in the basement. I came back up, to clean up dog shit. Seemed like the story of my life lately. If I take a moment for myself, I’m paying for it and fixing or cleaning up something that someone else did. Moments like this frustrate me so much. There are no breaks.

I’m not asking for suggestions or help… just a non judgmental ear and a kind heart, which is the way we all need to be, all of the time. We never know when someone is on their last nerve or is holding on by a string. Sometimes that text or smile of just hello, holds us together and let’s us know we aren’t alone.

For those of you that know me, you know that I do best with a to do list and and a timeline. I actually crave them. I also crave perfection and am my own worse enemy. So dealing with certain things in my grief process are absolutely no different. It’s the only way I can take some control in a situation, in which it had all been taken from me.

After Eddie died, I told myself that on January 1st I would change my Facebook picture to one of the boys and I. I figured I would start 2021 with that change and a step in moving forward. I know this may not seem like much, but for me this was huge.

The Facebook picture symbolized the boys and I, moving forward with our life…without him present. It had to be perfect. For the last few days the decision to make the change had been very hard. I knew that it was on my list to do and I knew that I had to do it…for me. I’m very competitive, even if only against myself.

As I was contemplating this picture, my ride or die, told me to “just post it and if you take a better one, change it”. She is the one who gives it to me straight, but knows exactly what I need in that moment…always.

I wanted the perfect to be picture. However, I realized that striving for perfection is impossible and my goal needs to change…to striving for excellence. The hard truth, is that perfection is unobtainable and will drive us crazy trying to reach it. With excellence, we accept mistakes and learn from them. The picture I chose wasn’t perfect, but it was great… even excellent.

Every year, we always did something fun for New Years Eve. 16 years ago on January 1st, Eddie and his army family landed back on US soil from Iraq.

Every year since then, the army family has gotten together and celebrated the end of one year and the promise of the next. As kids started coming into the picture, getting together was more of a challenge, but the significance of the day never changed.

Last night, the boys and I continued that tradition. It was a very different celebration, more calm than a hotel party and missing one amazing guy. The night was still filled with so much love. We laughed at Eddie stories and toasted him. He’s gone, but his love and memories will live on forever, through all those that he touched.

As we start a new year, my goal is to let go of any of the anger and resentment I have about the unfair twist my life has taken. My therapist reminded me yesterday of some things: Guilt doesn’t serve me well. Neither does anger, resentment or bitterness… so I have to let them all go. I have to accept that what Eddie did was a result of his decisions…not mine. He loved me more than anything and always wanted me to be happy.

My therapist has given me the task of taking any negative thoughts and beginning to rework them into a positive. So, I’m going to try something new this year. A friend posted something she did last year and I loved the idea. Every week you write down a good memory/reflection from the week and put it in a jar. On New Years Eve, you read them all to review the year. I thought this would be a good practice for me to focus on the positives.

Eventhough 2020 had so much darkness, it was also filled with so much love. For that I am grateful…grateful for a new year with endless possibilities.

This morning was a tough one. Being Christmas Eve and Eddie’s firehouse shift, we would have normally gone to visit him, before church and dinner at my aunt’s house. This was his home away from home. These were his brothers.

As I drove up to the firehouse, my heart sank and hurt. There was a lump in my throat that I had to swallow and keep going for the boys. He wasn’t here. He was never going to be here again. It was the first time I’d been to the firehouse since he died and it was one of the hardest things that I had to do. I did it for the kids.

I am so glad that I did because as soon as we walked in, we were filled with such love. Truly part of a family.

They didn’t have to do any of this. They don’t have to be there…but they did and they are. They do it because they are the most giving group of guys, that I have ever met. They do it because they loved Eddie and they lost a brother. They are taking care of us just as a family does.

Today has certainly not been easy. It’s actually been one of the most difficult yet. However, it’s the people that are in my life, the people that care, that have gotten me through. They have made this day as easy as it possibly could’ve been…full of love and new memories.

Tonight was much different than any other Christmas Eve. There was no mass. There was no Christmas Eve dinner at my aunt’s house. There was no Eddie. It was just the boys and I.

We did our normal Christmas Eve routine…got the stockings out, got the cookies, milk and carrots set for Santa and the reindeer and read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

I had already put Eddie’s stocking away when I started putting decorations up because I knew that I couldn’t handle seeing it on Christmas Eve. Glad I thought ahead. It was already painful enough putting just the three of ours out. It was incomplete. Our family wasn’t whole and once more I was reminded of that void. Damn stockings.

I felt like overall, with all things considered, that I was doing pretty well for Christmas Eve. Then it hit me like a storm…

As I was bringing the gifts up, my favorite Christmas movie was on…just like it was every year while I was setting up the gifts. However, this year “It’s a Wonderful Life” made me angry, resentful and sad. He went back to his family. They were enough to make him want to live. How were we not? I sat there with tears running down my face. How is this my life? Why weren’t we enough? Why couldn’t the love we had for him stop this? What could I have done differently?

I knew I could go on all night in that vicious cycle, but a set a timer, as my therapist had suggested I do for times like this. I gave myself ten minutes to feel it and replay it and question it. Then, I wiped the tears and got back to being Santa.

It was hard to do and took some texts of encouragement from my army, but I had to move forward. I couldn’t let down the boys. They believe in Santa and Christmas magic and I had to make sure that’s what they saw when they woke up bright and early.

Since Eddie died, in addition to my already very packed plate…and don’t forget grieving…I’ve taken on a lot of new roles. Some of my “favorites” are small business owner and landlord.

The question that keeps coming up in my head are: Am I enough? Can I do this?

These were Eddie’s things. He always had them handled and I never questioned any of them. He had a business mind and just knew what to do. He’s the one I wish I could ask for guidance on things now and the only one I can’t.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been thrown into these new rolls and I am struggling. Mostly because I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to let him down. He worked his entire life to build his business from the ground up. He cut ends to be able to purchase a couple apartments, for income property. Throughout the years, he made so many sacrifices to get where he was. I can’t lose what he worked so hard to get. I won’t… for him.

So I’m busting my butt. I’m learning more things about the business than I have ever known. I’m talking to people and figuring out how to be a landlord and what my options are. I’m learning to lean on people and ask for help when I need it. Both of these things are so incredibly out of my comfort zone, but I can’t do it alone.

I have days when I am overwhelmed and cry, wondering how I’m going to balance it all and keep it going. Then I have other days, when things crash down around me and I need all the help I can get, to pick them up and keep going. Once in a while, there’s a day where it’s all working out for a few minutes and those are the times that I think, maybe I can do this.

Someday, the decisions that I question and ask “What would Eddie do about this?” will be less. My responses will be more automatic and decisive. I’ll be more confident. I’ll get there and I’ll be more badass because of it. I’m just not there…yet.

As I was cleaning out our mail/paper storage area in the laundry room, I came across a card. It was a card that I had gotten Eddie for Valentines Day this past year. I had put it there because I didn’t give it to him. I was too busy and forgot to write it out this year. Then I figured I’d just save it for next year. If only I knew. There would be no next year with him. No more celebrations. No more him.

I was immediately filled with sadness and regret. The tears streamed down my face.

I could never give this to him. I would never be able to tell him all of the things I loved about him and how much I appreciated him. Sure I told him, but did I tell him enough? Did he know how much I really loved him? How much I appreciated all of his sacrifices for us? He was gone and I’d missed any more chances to show him how I felt and tell him anything. So much left unsaid and undone.

I know, that giving him this card wouldn’t have changed anything. However, finding it just reminds me that I’ll never have him again. He knew how I felt about him. I just have to trust that everything I said and did was enough.