The 17th… it’s been exactly one month since Eddie died and my life changed forever. In the past month There’s been a lot that has helped me. Sudden death of a spouse so young isn’t something that happens often (thank goodness!), so a lot of people have said that they don’t know what to do or say. Honestly, I would have no idea either. It was so incredibly out of any book that has been written about life. He wasn’t supposed to die this young. My friends and family weren’t supposed to have to figure out what to do or say, but they did and have done a great job. Here are some things that for me, in my situation have helped…
Friends come over– don’t ask, just come over. This has been very comforting to me. My dear friends just stop over, even when they aren’t invited and I love that.
Take notes– right after Eddie died, a couple friends took notes on things like my favorite foods, lunches for the kids, random things I liked. Then they made sure I was always stocked with those things without me having to ask. It left a little extra space in my head to figure out how to actually get through each day because honestly, most days still feel like a blur and I can’t remember much. The take notes goes for me too. I have a million thoughts running through my head at any given moment and can’t remember anything.
Stop asking, “how are you?”…I’m shitty. The answer is going to be shitty for a while. My husband is suddenly dead and I’m a widow with 2 kids. I know everyone is concerned and truly cares and wants to know, it just feels like I’m letting you down when I answer truthfully. So unless you really want to know and talk about it, just say “hi and I hope your day is going okay” or “thinking about you”
Make me Laugh– some days it may be harder to do than others, but tell me something funny. I want to laugh and love to laugh. Life keeps moving forward and laughing is good. Sometimes, I can even hear Eddie and his infectious laugh joining right in.
Hold off on Food– Don’t bring food as soon as you hear the news- well ok, bring food but within reason. We had so much food, which was amazing. I just felt bad so much got wasted. The food drop off being spaced out through the week was also great. I however could only stomach a smoothie, gluten free donuts and a few spoonfuls of a specific soup for that first week.
Paper Products- best idea ever. Someone who had also experienced a sudden death in their family brought over big bins filled with cleaning supplies, detergent, paper towels, toilet paper, plastic silverware, paper plates, napkins, trash bags and all of those other household staples you suddenly run out of within that first week or two because you weren’t planning for a houseful of people coming and going.
Bring Food- I’m joking… but not totally. Now is when everyone has gone on with their life but I still struggle to get through each day having to do everything for myself and the boys. The random food drop offs are really helpful and make the day a little easier.
Keep Texting– I may not answer right away or I may forget to answer or think that I did, but I appreciate the checking in. It makes me feel less alone and I appreciate each and every one.
Keep Asking- I am not the type to ask for help even when I need it. Ask me because eventhough I do need your help I don’t want to ask for it.
Keep Inviting- I may not always be up for going places, but don’t let that stop you from asking. I love being around people and busy most of the time. Just because I say no once or twice doesn’t mean I don’t want to do something, it could have just been a bad day. Ask again and again, please!
Be Honest-I’ve learned to speak up even more than I had before (shocking, I know) and I encourage you to be honest with me and ask those questions you are thinking. I’ll tell you the truth, trust me!
Don’t Judge- how I grieve is going to be different from how you or anyone you know grieves. We each do what we need to do, at our own pace and have no business telling anyone else what is okay and what’s not. Keep that opinion to yourself.