It’s been over 5 weeks since Eddie has been gone.

So much has changed, but to someone that doesn’t know differently … they don’t see it and it all looks the same.

I see it all though.

I see the last of the flowers that were sent after he left, drying out and dying. Reminding me that time has passed and nothing is going back to what it was. It’s all different.

I see the floor too clean. Looking too white without the mud that he used to track in, every single time he walked in the door. Missing all of his black socks he used to take off wherever he was and just leave them. It’s funny how much these things used to drive me crazy and annoy the hell out of me, but thinking that he’ll never make me roll my eyes, bitch about it and clean them up again, makes me cry.

I see all of the pillows and blankets neatly in the family room basket, not looking as lived in and cozy as before, with remnants of Eddie. A room that seemed the warmest and filled with family memories, now seems so cold.

I see the leftovers in the fridge, days without being eaten. I always used to cook extra and he’d take it for lunch. Now I have no idea how much to even make.

It’s too quiet every night here. Too calm. I know this sounds strange because I still have two boys and two dogs that are plenty noisy and wild, but it’s not the same.

I miss my chaotic, messy home with him. It’s all so different now. Although it hurts, this different will eventually become the new normal and hopefully this new normal, will at some point feel like home again.

• 

• 

•