I’m not positive right now. I’m angry, pessimistic and resentful. My head is doing everything it can, to get through day to day things. There are times when it throbs because it’s so overworked with thoughts and emotions.

I’m hanging on by a thread. Sometimes that thread is more of a rope and I have a good grip, but others…like tonight, it’s a fine string that is unraveling and could snap at any given moment. I’m strong, but there are times that I don’t know how much more crap I can take.

Before starting dinner I threw a load of laundry in. I knew I was in trouble when it started making a sound that washers don’t make. Sure enough, it won’t drain. Awesome. That’s exactly what I needed. I’m adding it to the “Are you friggin kidding me” list. How much can one person deal with and keep getting up to fight?

Tonight I almost reached my breaking point.
People remind me that “I’m going to feel this way for a while, you have a long ways to go” and while they may be right… it’s not something I need or want to hear. I am doing my best to get through each day, hoping the next one is a tiny bit better. I can’t bear to think long term and the possibility that there is no end in sight is exhausting and disheartening.

It’s like any bubble of hope I had is getting popped. I like my bubble. I need my hope. Hope that I’m going to come out of this. Hope that I’m going to somehow be better because of this. Hope that my washing machine will miraculously drain tomorrow and nothing else makes the list. Hope that tomorrow, my string is stronger.