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Saturday night was the first night I had been “out” since he died. Sure I’ve gone to dinner and stuff with my close friends, but this was a first. Another first, axe throwing. We were throwing axes with his friends, the “army family”. It was someplace that Eddie would have loved, with people he went through hell and back with.

I was around a bunch of people who may or may not known my story… Eddie’s story. A few knew everything, most knew a lot and some knew nothing.

I kept wondering if the ones that knew nothing wondered why I was there, how I was connected to this group. Did I still fit in this group without him? For how long would I be included in this group since he’s gone? I loved my life as it was. I loved this group who we were supposed to grow old with. I didn’t chose any of this change.

I was navigating through a world that only exists to me, because of him.

Being there without him was hard. It was lonely. Whenever a song came on that I would sarcastically sing to him, I missed him. I missed his laugh. I missed his smile. I missed everything about him. Everytime I kicked butt throwing the axe, I wanted to celebrate it with him. He was my biggest fan, always cheering me on and he wasn’t there. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

There will continue to be so many firsts that I have to do without him. I do believe he’s present in another way with me, but I would give anything to have him back physically with me.