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Tonight was much different than any other Christmas Eve. There was no mass. There was no Christmas Eve dinner at my aunt’s house. There was no Eddie. It was just the boys and I.

We did our normal Christmas Eve routine…got the stockings out, got the cookies, milk and carrots set for Santa and the reindeer and read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

I had already put Eddie’s stocking away when I started putting decorations up because I knew that I couldn’t handle seeing it on Christmas Eve. Glad I thought ahead. It was already painful enough putting just the three of ours out. It was incomplete. Our family wasn’t whole and once more I was reminded of that void. Damn stockings.

I felt like overall, with all things considered, that I was doing pretty well for Christmas Eve. Then it hit me like a storm…

As I was bringing the gifts up, my favorite Christmas movie was on…just like it was every year while I was setting up the gifts. However, this year “It’s a Wonderful Life” made me angry, resentful and sad. He went back to his family. They were enough to make him want to live. How were we not? I sat there with tears running down my face. How is this my life? Why weren’t we enough? Why couldn’t the love we had for him stop this? What could I have done differently?

I knew I could go on all night in that vicious cycle, but a set a timer, as my therapist had suggested I do for times like this. I gave myself ten minutes to feel it and replay it and question it. Then, I wiped the tears and got back to being Santa.

It was hard to do and took some texts of encouragement from my army, but I had to move forward. I couldn’t let down the boys. They believe in Santa and Christmas magic and I had to make sure that’s what they saw when they woke up bright and early.