• 

• 

A few weeks ago, I did family pictures for the first time since Eddie had died.

Every year, I always built up our family picture session and spent weeks trying to coordinate outfits, location, weather and everything else. It consumed me and I was stressed out…everyone was stressed. For some reason I thought everything, (including that perfectly coordinated Christmas picture) rested on my shoulders. It’s like I had something to prove. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure that that family picture of us was perfect.

Fast forward… I know now that there is no such thing as perfect and the stress it caused me was absolutely ridiculous.

Somehow, I thought that those pictures meant that I had it all together. I was living the “perfect” life that society had said I should. Clearly it was far from perfect and I had no idea.

Those perfect pictures didn’t stop him from killing himself. They didn’t impact my life in any way other than showing people that we could color coordinate, smile and look good on a Christmas card.

This year was a totally different Christmas picture experience. I didn’t stress it. I picked my outfit out a day before (yes, I know this is shocking for me). I didn’t freak out. Of course I still had my moments…as one would smile and one would make a silly face, try to climb a wall, or almost knock lights over…

I had accepted that my family picture may not look the same as all the ones I get in the mail and see on Facebook. I was finally okay with that.

I was glad that when the pictures came back, they included the bloopers. They made me laugh. They reminded me that things don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to have it all together all of the time. This is real…this is life…this is us.