This Christmas wasn’t any better or worse than the first Christmas without Eddie… it was different.

Last year, I was in shock and everything stung. Everything was a change… a change I didn’t ask for.

This year, I knew not to buy four pairs of matching pajamas. I had already taken his stocking out of the decoration box. There were no surprises this Christmas.

I kept up with my Christmas Eve Santa routine that I had been doing for years, but this year I didn’t have to take breaks to cry. I knew my triggers. I turned off “It’s a Wonderful Life” before he left and then decided to go back to his family. No tears shed over that movie this year. It was something little, but it was progress.

As I went to bed that night, I thought about the fact that I had made Christmas somewhat normal this year…our normal.

It would never be the same as it was with Eddie…he would always be missing from it, but we have different routines and some new traditions. Our life had gone on without him, which don’t get me wrong, feels like a guilt ridden blessing… but that’s what we were handed and we have to make the best of it.

By no means was this Christmas easy, but it was less hard. My fresh wounds from last year had scarred over. They still ache at times, but they are a part of who I am now… what makes me, me… and that’s ok.